No Tears to Damn You...
Sensitivity is a Bad word. You should just trample through life madly to be free of all this heartaches i guess.
I am asking myself, how does it feel?All of 28 years, One heart break, One failed marriage, One affair, One child who does'nt know you are her Dad.
I am trying feel if something is Choking inside somewhere. Nothing at all. Hardened. May be. Or too tired.
Why am I writing this shit, do I need a release. Fcuk, I dont need one. Just scrap the top of this confident layer, its all wounds below, new ones, old ones, rotten, stinking..well, some healed too..and the scars to say they are there.
Being penniless, Being jobless, being an addict for anything addictable, nothing has shaken me so much like betrayal. I knew it so well and told myself I woul'dnt ever do it.
But I had to betray someone too, and I did it to its fullness like my love. Witnessing the pain, hearing the abuses, the angry slaps of those thin hands, helpless fury breaking my living room's glasses, nails tearing my skin, torn shirt, bleeding nose. I had to be there, I cannot run away from consequences, I needed it. Then she walked away coz she coul'dnt stand my sight anymore. She had to quench that pain inside, that anger, somehow. Only way was to severe every link with me, which she did. I knew she had to do it, to live on, to Move on. That was the only fair ending to the Love story.
Why did'nt I ever choose to do this, whenever I was betrayed. Why I did choose to walk away carrying all this shit load of memories, why could'nt I shed it away. Why Could'nt I slap you , call you a bitch and move on. I dont need you, I dont need her, I dont need any one. I know I am alone. Its just fine.
Elton John crooning in my ear-phones,
"Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act
We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns "
I love Bernie Taupin. Time to hit the gym. I go there almost every day. I hate working out, its fucking painful. To inflict the pain, the external kind. On Myself.
I am asking myself, how does it feel?All of 28 years, One heart break, One failed marriage, One affair, One child who does'nt know you are her Dad.
I am trying feel if something is Choking inside somewhere. Nothing at all. Hardened. May be. Or too tired.
Why am I writing this shit, do I need a release. Fcuk, I dont need one. Just scrap the top of this confident layer, its all wounds below, new ones, old ones, rotten, stinking..well, some healed too..and the scars to say they are there.
Being penniless, Being jobless, being an addict for anything addictable, nothing has shaken me so much like betrayal. I knew it so well and told myself I woul'dnt ever do it.
But I had to betray someone too, and I did it to its fullness like my love. Witnessing the pain, hearing the abuses, the angry slaps of those thin hands, helpless fury breaking my living room's glasses, nails tearing my skin, torn shirt, bleeding nose. I had to be there, I cannot run away from consequences, I needed it. Then she walked away coz she coul'dnt stand my sight anymore. She had to quench that pain inside, that anger, somehow. Only way was to severe every link with me, which she did. I knew she had to do it, to live on, to Move on. That was the only fair ending to the Love story.
Why did'nt I ever choose to do this, whenever I was betrayed. Why I did choose to walk away carrying all this shit load of memories, why could'nt I shed it away. Why Could'nt I slap you , call you a bitch and move on. I dont need you, I dont need her, I dont need any one. I know I am alone. Its just fine.
Elton John crooning in my ear-phones,
"Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act
We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns "
I love Bernie Taupin. Time to hit the gym. I go there almost every day. I hate working out, its fucking painful. To inflict the pain, the external kind. On Myself.
posted by Kalaaban at 6:18 AM
3 Comments:
written words can inflict internal pain.I need more my dear friend
I often wonder why hurt after a point turns internal and we start beating ourselves up. I did.
Somewhere after a lot of self bashing, I hope you realize that enough is enough. I do.
The next step is also annoying, when you blame everything on others and start bashing them up. I will.
Every stage happens. Its the cycle of life. You will move on... I hope you do.
anielshankar: Pains are too precious to be shared??
Poornima: Thanks. I know those words come from inside.
Post a Comment
<< Home